Love fails on me.

Love always is something I yearn for. Something I always needed but sadly it always fails on me and when i am down and hit hard by it the scars and wounds do not heal. I am like a battered wound warrior that needs is a long rest and tons of love and care. I am not having that at all.

=)

Direction set.. Goals Set... Target Set... Now Just Work hard to everything i would want to live and work for. God your will WILL BE DONE.. AMEN !

The Lies I Tell To You...

Trust is one thing that science can never proof it's existence and how it can change others decision... Trust is the true to how faith and religion comes into play.

However, trust is the hardest thing you can put in anyone. Family, love ones, wife, husband, children, grand children, friends and everyone.

Trust is something that is can break you into pieces. Not putting trust into people whom are close to you can total turn the relationship into huge doubt.

Guilt kicks in even though you felt that you should not have trusted that person. You felt that maybe you should have trusted that someone for once.

Trust can lose within a sec and to earn it back it will take forever.

I feel useless when i am a victim of trust. How can we solve this problem.

God do speak to me...

This song and how Burno makes it so personal with himself and the audience. I wish i could have this chance to sing to many others and most importantly to the ones who loved me and was dear and believed in me... God i hope when that day comes, many will turn to you for true love..

Pray for me

I been waiting and waiting.. I do not know if i am going to be tested by God on what things but i am scared to know a girl whom i love might have lied to me along and made used of me. I want closure by not in a way that i cannot handle it or being hated or can't even be friends. God i pray that you guide me through this with a cheerful heart and that i will know the truth and all. I need you so much God.

Happy National Day...

Though it is National day... I feel sad,, Some how i just hope that she is thinking about me in some way and that everything is going well for her.. I miss her and i hope that we can chat soon like we used to. 

I wrote this song for you..I doubt you would even know that...

When you're down and all drained out
i promise i will be there

When you're crying and feeling down
I promise you my shoulder

When you're quiet it gets me thinking
If there is anything you're hiding

But all will be fine when you say i love u again
Whoa```` The power of love...


When things goes bad please dun frown
i promise i will not let you down

To be continued..

Am I Turning To The Dark Side

Things have changed... Is been really a tough weeks and months.. I am totally lost in many things and i can't share it with people whom i love to share it to. I just hope that people whom i care will not change.. I really think is hard not to think so much but. Judging from what it seems, I have this bad bad feeling but i know i can't be so negative thinking. I do not know if i have given up or just seem to have died down over this problems i been having.. God only you can help me but i sinned too often.. What can i do ! GOD PLEASE TELL ME...

Year 2010

Been in Home Team Academy for like coming 6 months? haha... some will say is fast like a blink of an eye..

To me.. hmm... you can say so for the good days in camp , but totally disagreeing to that statement when your having the bad days in camp.. All in all is been really useful for me and i have learned so much.

The mental state i had when i went in was rather too comfortable i guess.. I had more sad moments than happy once.. But i still manage to pull through it all and become stronger. Now i just left 3 weeks and the 6 months in camp and the camp life will be missed.. The lifestyle and all maybe? haha that i really doubt so.. 

Recently, i got this uncertainty feeling of my future.. Music have been so big in my life. God put that in me and so far not much people believed in my music only a few. Those few have made a big impact in me. Thanks Daddy Mummy and Brother.. Church friends too..

I was thinking how does it feel's like to see the most beautiful ever to you have so much pain and struggles in her life and you can't be there for her.. You have doubts that things would work out but the other part of you says do not give up? I never given up on being her best friend or even more than that. But i starting to understand her needs and her life is more important. I want to the few whom when she looks back in time and felt me always being there and cheering her up. That is my definition of friendship , love and care. 

XP your weakness or mistakes can pull you down when your all alone or having a bad day, however, i just want to say this from the bottom of my heart. I willing to be write 89083902589048230948329 over songs just to cheer you up and for you to hear and also to  let you know that your not alone and you always have me to count on =)

Things of the future we will not know only God. No matter what is it for us, I believe you and i will be happy. I want the most beautiful girl that was created by God to smile once again and win the millions back with that smile that i fell in love with =D

I was selfish

It was selfish to put my emotions first... I was selfish to think about my hopes and ideas of what we two may have for the future but never thought about yours. I was too selfish to want to meet you but end up not thinking as long your happy that is what matters most.. I was selfish to think you will be there for me where but maybe we both are not on the same views and expections about this friendship or relationship.. I regretted giving you more worries and hurt in the casuse of knowing me...

Sorry if i was selfish i now will just be good friends and all... You still have a choice with me no matter what... But i will be there for you always. I really do not know when you will see this or ever you will change back to your previous number but i will pray for you always to be happy and have a new beginning ya? =)

God i lift it all to you..

The doubts i constantly have after some issues about us.. I wonder if it the end or a test that i always thought it will bring us closer. I been thinking so much about you i tried and tried but is so hard. I always pray for you before i sleep that you will have peace at your heart. I feel weird because i really do not know what problems your facing alone. To me i want to be able to share your woes with you, it may sound silly but it really means so much to me to know and be there for you. Or maybe you just need your own time to settle your stuff and your emotions. I really hope we can chat and meet up before i go to my NS on dec8 that is my biggest thing i would want to see or do before i go in. Haiz. To RWXP i miss you so much. God please make me closer to you day by day and to read the bible to find peace within your presence.

NS Letter Recieved !

After maybe 4 to 5 months of getting fat and all ! NS finally sent me a letter saying i will be serving my 2 Years as a Policeman ! =D Do you think it is cool ! haha Well i am excited as it is something new and all plus at least my uniform are like way way way WAY cooler than the current Army's one ! haha =P 

Well recently had a Gig at TPY hub and it was good and manage to pull off the 5 songs without any big screw ups especially with only 2 practices ! haha =) Felt really Good to do my origanal live and it was the first time and i hope most people liked it.

Would like to thank everyone who came and supported me and my band =) This really meant alot to us as a band and all THANKS ! =D (to the special one. You look lovely that day and was so happy to sing for you!

 )
 

My struggles and now my determination !

Well most people would have known that i have joined recently... Due to the stupid 1 sec of fame that i had from the advertisement ! =) haha that was it really a smile like this =D that is all.... made it through the first round though not much things to share just that the waiting time was so long ! Gosh so long that now if i wait for an hour that means just 5 mins.. Really I meant IT AND TRIED IT ! But was very excited to meet the judges as i never had joined or met them before want to know where i would stand ~

I Did not make it to the next round... Kinda disappointed as i wanted to to let my friends and most importantly family be proud.. I Guess i do not have what it takes..Dick lee says : Your the kind of singer in a band no one will notice. Florence said One part of the song you sang just now you look angry.. Ken Lim said Your just do not stand out.. Guess looks is everything in Idol..

Yup sadly no comments on my singing so hoping it means just the overall was not appealing to the judges =) But was so happy to spent time with my family and seeing my brother supporting me and chatting with my friends and my family too LOVE MY FAMILY =)

NO Worries after my disappointment and complaining deep down that pushed me to go further to do well in my dreams.. After watching One Piece for like 80 plus hours. ! It taught me to be be determined in my goals no matter what happens. I really feel motivated to do tons of stuff just to be at the very best ! =) wish me luck pray for me and see me fly !


This is my new guitar ! =) though is rather cheap but i feel that the tone of the guitar is really nice =) blueish 70s rock clean sound ! Perfect for my songs that i am going to write ! haha

Am I losing my faith you love?

I been emoing since the last posting due to some problems but i was baptized ! i feel happy and peaceful.. However, I do not know my future i can't share what is coming up in my life there are people whom i told to about it and others that i did not yet... i just want to not stress myself too much over this thingy..

To her i want to say, I'm happy to know you and i put a part of you in my life. Though i should not be doing so. Maybe i'm just feel connected to have someone who somehow likes me for who i am and maybe adores me when i sing. But i know things maybe going further and drifting away. No matter what i do miss you and somehow worried for you. Those moments maybe soon fading away in your mind but to me it was just like the first time i knew you.

I just leave this to God. I love you GOD. I adore you and i will Praise you for being so patient and faithful to me when i am not.. It hurts for me to sin but i cannot stop it. I hate it when i sin.

My didi ! =) So Cute la

Thanks kylie for the pictures ! =)

My Wish List ! Greedy Or Not You judge ~!

1)A New Watch that have leather Strap that is thick and with a big surface to view the time ! Classic !

2)Gosh Xbox 360 Rock Band 2 ! Awesome ! Singing and drums ! here i come ! =P (I wanna ROX !)

3) This is not to make me sound holy but i would love a bible commentary that tells me meaning about the bible in a simple and yet practical way to deal with my life.. (i'm getting Baptized 14 May On my birthday how cool is that ! )

4)Well a new camera lens will surely take my lazy ass up and go around Singapore to do my maybe portfolio or something the close up lens !

5)If i can get this ! WHOA ! Shiok man ! A fender guitar with effects that i can compose new songs not just by chords but experimenting different styles of music ! AWESOME... Beats Rock Band ! haha...

Lastly....

I hope most of the people whom i am going to invite to my 21 st Birthday will turn up and have a great time.... I will have it on 15 may and 16 may two days....

Is weird not to have it on my actual day cause it is a weekday ! ARRRR !! damn so most my friends in poly can't come... SO made it Friday and Sat !

For those who interested tag me on here so i can fill you in the details...

I have planned maybe the first day is more for my church, ITE friends, basketball friends.

Day 2 Is my Gyss Friends Bandmates and pierce and gyss juniors ! =)

I felt lost.. Honestly

I maybe be cheerful when people meet me.. But deep down after my results in ITE. I starting to be really troubled.

I mean alot of stuff. I hate thinking alot but i can't stop.. Maybe because most parts of my life i was pretty much feeling alone.

I always compare my life with others.. Wait please do not say why am i doing so?

Well is part of our culture as chinese in Singapore....

Since young is been like that.. parents tend to joke and say see your cousin is better... Or telling your aunties my son damn naughty one la... Don't want to scold him already...

This maybe a simple comment to just chat about the updates of their children but.. It really have a huge impact on how we children grow up to be.

I felt a sense of pity about my life story.. Always being the second best and not mastering the things i loved or liked...

This feeling of low esteem and well self pity is very hard to shake off...
Recently in church seeing others coming closer to God did made me feel kind sad as i somehow lost touch of God by my self pity-ness i wished i was part of his plans and i will not be distracted by the hurtful things i had been through so far.. I really feel alone....

When can i grow up...

I was thinking lately a lot about my past and well her.. At times i wonder if i grew up last of my but more matured would things become less complicated? Would i still be loved by a lot of people.. Would i still be me?

I felt that the whole world now is just looking to look correct and at times you have to be the imaged to others where they will only look up to when your different from who you truly are.....

I quote to myself this " If life is to live according to my life, then who would truly understand what i am living for in my life but not living for others." I felt that besides God who loves everyone and everything for what makes them good, why can't the one you like or loved do that?

And is it ok and alright to feel lonely when the people you need most at that point of them do not seem to be there while you really hope they were. Friends will be there but that feeling of the young and youthful times we had and the bond seems to disappear when we get old just well, becomes memories.

Tons of people say this " People change " be honestly is it me who is changing or the other party?

I just want to think that life is simple but honestly is not when you do not have God.

I believe in him. I long for him. But i feel lonely that i myself cannot stay close to him.

Being alone in my world that was created by him.

If i would be joined by others whom he assigned me to be with i will no longer be lonely....

God i need that people and those people needs me. But i need your words and your wisdom

guide me please.


If i had a tattoo like this ! =)

Ite Sucks...

Of all the hard work and sweat i gave.... I can't go to poly thanks to ITE... Everything about it is screwed up ! Trust me...

However i will not blame anyone as i think there is no point... They can just Kiss my ass..

But i Want to Congrat all my friends from my class who made it to Poly.... All the best =)


I think i am feeling better and i think God made me understand that i need him in my life no matter what..

God help

I was selfish to think too much of everything that was taken away from me..

The most sweetest gal i have ever seen which i could not take care of...

My rights as a guy...

Maybe my friends whom i hurt alot recently...

And my everything..

Maybe this is what you wish to do to me

maybe is a good thing i hope

Stripping me down to nothing.........

maybe that is where your saying i need to start a new....

I cannot say sorry to all the ones i hurt and move on..

i feel ashamed and disgusted of my doing....

Maybe this is where i need to say i need you..

I hurts for most part in my life....

But i want you to bring me back and shine

God i have sins that no man can wash for me only you....

A sin too much a man could bear....

Things are better ! =) And I'm Glad i still have you as my friend

Though we are not meant to be as a couple..... The joy you did brought to me was nice and will be memories that will last a long long time til i am up in heaven ( if God thinks i am good enough). I am happy that i can still be friends with you ! There were times when i walked passed J8 and a basketball court or just simply saw a NPCC cadet your face and smile just happen to come into my mind. I do miss you that i cannot hide but i never hated you at all..... Your the most understanding and the only gf that made me want to be in a long term relationship with. I am just hoping to look forward the upcoming times that we can be friends and maybe be good BFF ! i can be your sister =)

Did i mention i love Boston lega ! I BOUGHT THE 4 Seasons of the show and gosh total price !

DRUM Roll.....





Looks like very little Disc right






Check the amount of disc i have! Speaking of time to kill !
$209.30

I do not know why?

Things are happy and nice and soon things crashes down

life to me have no more meaning to be honestly i hate it now and i want to just end it totally and go to a place where there is no lies no hate and no anger.

The thing i feared most came true and now i all alone again. No one in my life truly love me once at all. I feel that hurt so much and i do not know if i can really find anyone anymore.

Honestly i hate it and i failed in almost everything i do. i am a no body and i will stay the same forever.

I just want to leave this place where people just seem to always hate me........... Please take me away i really can't stand up anymore and face what all the things in life are coming against me.


I'm sorry.

I GOT THE LETTER !

I Got the letter for army and for once i am rather scared as i have a very bad feeling i may not be able to study poly before i go NS ! =(

Dun get me wrong, i meant i do not mind going army is just that i rather study first and all. If so then i have no choice and just get the 2 damn years over with =)
Hmm this past weekend was fun ! JM came and ravin too.. And not to forget BABY TOO! haha =) We crap alot and stuff but it felt so fun ! haha great to have all of them in my life !

I will be missing baby very soon! she is going to work haiz.. I honestly will miss her alot....

No more Lousy Sundays ! =)

The Sweetest Smile I have ever seen ! I MEAN IT = D

Ever since we were together my Sundays were so much different. Not lonely not boring not plain and a day where i always never look forward to always...

But to know that your there and to know how much i meant to you, i really never felt so loved by someone as much i loved for others. Your smile really cheer me up no matter what. The things i have been through in school and stuff your listening ear was there. I now want to be able to be there for you and to show you that how much you really meant to me.
You Been MISSED Terrible every time you turn and say bye. That moment is where i felt lost..... I really never thought angels are there... Til i really met you. Your name and your comfort feels like i was wrong about angels....

=)


School been Sucky hate it now and i really want to grad so damn soon and get it over ! Hoping to go to RP and study before i go NS.....Well but I have to leave this to God and what plans he have for me....

A day after Valentine

Sweet Sweet ! LOVE BABY's Dimple


Your someone whom i treasure ! = D


Next time you have to piggy back me ! = P

Today that time we had and spend was really one that i never ever had experience before with my other relationships at all ! Laying by your side and just chatting =) Knowing about the shocking stuff that we once we linked ! haha and how much your accompany and care really meant to me !

I want to have you and chat non stop like a 24/7 thingy ! haha Well that is just my dream !
Your present you bought for me was damn surprising la ! heez !

3 CDs that are all my singing teachers ! =) STING , ROD STEWART & TOTO ! WHOA WHOA !haha
And the letter =) was really touching and i really want to tell you that i will be there for you always !
=)
NOW FIFI ONLY LISTENS TO YOU ! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! = X

Your Smile Changed The Way Of Life =)

Your smile changed my thinking, your smile and your laughter cures those time when i was feeling always sad and lonely. Your Smile & you made me feel like i am a guy whom have good qualities that people do not see in me that i do not know about? Your care that you shown to me, was something to me i will treasure more than the things i used to treasure. Your sweetness makes me able to see that my sweet i eat everytime is not the real sweetness i never tasted before... I THINK I AM FALLING IN LOVE ! =)

No PAIN NO GAIN !

The New HAIR CUT !

Oh forgotten to update my post and now is my new look ! haha i going army ! = P FROM this !-->

TO THIS

<----

GIG And Production Photos

The gig to me went rather ok and i felt i can do so much better but anyway the next band got up and sucked so much that we look good =) Thanks that was what i was hoping for ! = P

Oh well things are more clear now i chatted with Denise and manage to clear the things that were stuck in mind and i finally cleared it. The band looks more involved in every way. We need the originals to be done plus a few addition Cover songs and we should be ready for more up coming gigs for youth.

Well overall the unity within the band is better and i felt so encouraged now, then the past few months ago. Thanks Pam for her encouragement and those who have said i had improved in my singing that really made me want to do more and eager to sing more now ! =) Darryl is still thinking about Arsenal and stuff..... Maybe i should take him to See HYT soon! OH plus i missed AH BANG ! NORA NORA ! Project was great the interview came in very handy and now is really falling in place, timing is still alright not too rush nor too much time so kinda what i hoped and prayed for before the project started.

here are the photos of me and the memebers of the the production Group next time is the actual filming in action photos
ME! HAHA the cute PLEASE TAKE ME
HOME EYES !



Jannson one of the few Guys that I can really Chat with! = ) Script Writer



The LIGHTING PERSON AND PHOTOGRAPHER ! HAN HUI!



On DRUGS !
PRODUCERS ARE MOSTLY UNHAPPY PEOPLE BUT PEA IS DIFFERENT




ERM.. Editor are mostly Quiet people.. Really She IS ! (Slience)



Lastly the most important Camera man whom i love to touch !




DO i Look like i am dancing




Nice Night Shot by Han Hui




I shot this with A NIKON CAM ! Weeee Thanks H H





More of the photos and updates will be posted.. printing cool tees for the crew soon !

Why have friends when they are never there?

I thought life was fine and things were great til the day like today i felt so betrayed.

I found out that everyone have moved on with their lives while i and still left alone in this time frame....

So many names to be mentioned that i do not care anymore. Life was not like this and i really hate it already. No more friends and when i do need one i have to find one and sure the phone will just not be answered at all. No one really really knows how i feel and cannot understand me.

Maybe i am anti social or maybe my friends just left me and they think is fine.. To be honest i tried and tried. Everyone on msn when i say : "Hi " soon there is no replies or hi i am busy chat with you again...FUCK that i am fucking pissed already and guess what there is no next time. Out of like 10 conversation i chat with 2 or if i am lucky that day 1 person will truly say : "Hi" and how is life......

That hurts alot and no one cares let's face it NO ONE!

I think when your single and all your good friends are happy dating and having their other half.....I will be forgotten and no one gives a SHIT . MAYBE THAT IS WHAT I AM TO OTHERS.

School been killing me i want to grad soon but i really do not know what i can do anymore....
Mailed SP for the Course Music and Audio Tech today and got rejected even if my GPA can get in This is what jannson typed for me

Hello, my name is Ansel Chang from ITE Ang Mo Kio.

I'm about to graduate from the course, "Digital Audio Video Production". Based on what I've learnt, I know it's related to the SP course, Music and Audio Technology.

However, it's not written in my list of options for courses I can go to.

Is there is any way I can apply for this course, possibly through DAE or JPAE?

I have confidence in hitting the 3.5 to 4.0 GPA requirement.

I'll be very grateful for a chance to study in SP.
Thank you.

Quick reply later in the afternoon

Dear Ansel Chang

I refer to your email dated 3rd Feb 2009.

The entry requirement for the Diploma in Music & Audio Technology is GCE 'O' level qualification.

I regret to inform you that NITEC or Higher NITEC is not a relevant qualification for admission to the above course.

Thank you for your interest in the courses conducted by the Singapore Polytechnic.

Yours sincerely

Sarina Din
Duty Officer
Admissions Office

I feel hurt that most Polytechnic still do not offer ITE nitec Students more courses that they should.

FUCK LIFE FUCK SCHOOL AND HONESTLY FUCK EVERYONE THAT IGONORES ME TOTALLY FUCK ALL YOU GUYS ! ..!..

CNY followed by Graduation

Chinese New  Year  is going to be over damn soon.....

Though i had like 3 days of just simple visiting and receiving a lot lesser for red packets. I enjoyed it a lot ! NONO  i never won any money through BlackJack or something but i visited my Uncle whom i have not met like 4 years already due to the problems my mother had with him over my late grandmother. 

It means so much to me cause when i was a little boy that place the people the atmosphere was grown in me without fail every new year we will head to his place and everyone will be there to gather. That was the best and i always look forward to that =) This year that same feeling of childhood came back to me. That can be the main reason why i am happy.. Even though everyone have children and boyfriends and girlfriends, but to see them at least brings the memories that i used to spent that bonding with them when i was a young boy brings that warmth into my heart =)

Recently things are just so boring to me as usual but i was able to think more positively... 

Oh Adek FINALLY HAVE GIVEN ME my present for Xmas BIRTHDAY  PLUS Valentine's day ! Thank you haha AND the most i can say unique gift i ever had  ! haha Sephora Hand soap ! = D

And Angela still owes me my previous birthday gift! Gosh

I want to get my ITE done with damn soon so i can chill and look forward to other stuff like the Step Up program-me for Youths. I want to share to students the importance of having a Goal or Dream in life and my pass experience =) 

Things to look out for....

1)Next Sunday my band having a gig at Singapore Flyer from 8.30 pm.

2)Possible Gig at Beatty Secondary School

3)Either going to Poly or Army which both are an experience i would be love to look forward to.

4)New songs that i can learn and can finally do more of my singing

5)Singing Lessons and Guitar Lessons most properly could be conducted again ( Cross fingers) 

6)Step up programme in secondary schools

7)Lastly my 21 st Birthday = )

Well at least i am looking forward for this year rather then the past 2 years ! ha ha =) 

Do tag me people and stuff missed chatting with people and seeing who reads my blog ! ha ha

= P